BEETLE JUICE
SECOND DRAFT SCREENPLAY
REVISED 2-3-87
BY WARREN SKAAREN
FROM AN ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
BY
MICHAEL MCDOWELL
based on a story by
Michael McDowell and Larry Wilson
FADE IN:
EXT. WINTER RIVER, CONNECTICUT - DAY
A crisp and perfect New England town. Almost too neat
to be real. No visible townspeople. CAMERA EXPLORES
town.
CAMERA FLIES
over a rickety bridge -- PAST the Maitland Hardware and
Appliance store -- PAST the church -- the Historical
Society -- UP over the graveyard on the hill and
finally --
To the Maitland house. The perfect Victorian house
surveying the tiny village. Suddenly --
A GIANT DADDY LONGLEGS SPIDER
mounts the crest of the hill beside the house, pauses to
wave a spindly leg and then creeps menacingly on top of
the Maitland house.
ADAM (O.S..)
Well, well, you're a big fella...!
A hand -- as big as God's -- with a huge tweezer,
gently reaches down out of the sky and lies, palm up,
in the yard next to the house. Daddy Longlegs climbs
into it. The hand rises into the sky again.
INT. ATTIC - NEW ANGLE - DAY
Reveals Winter River as a miniature town, while The
Daddy Longlegs and the hand are normal size. Above the
model are a homely representation of moon, sun, and
stars -- a whole, tiny, mechanical universe to track
the hours of the day. A large plat map of the city is
prominent on the wall.
The hand is ADAM MAITLAND'S. In his late 30's, he's a
solid easy-going citizen. Capra used to make movies
about him.
Adam's model town sprawls across most of the attic
space. Windows on either end of the attic shed good
light into the warm room. Adam very carefully lifts
the spider out the open window. Smiles as he drips him
lightly on the breeze.
CAMERA TILTS UP FROM THE WINDOW
To see the real Winter River, laid out exactly as the
model, at the foot of the hill. Adam breathes deeply
and looks very pleased at the glorious town below him.
ON HIS HUGE HAND AGAIN
as it reaches into model and tweezes a tiny sign into
the tiny window of Maitland's Hardware Store on main
street. It reads:
ADAM AND BARBARA MAITLAND
ARE
ON VACATION!
HOORAY!
Adam leans down and eyes the sign.
BARBARA
(behind him)
I'm ready!
Adam turns to see entering: BARBARA MAITLAND, 35 -- a
wholesome beauty who is mellowing well. She smiles at
him. Perhaps a certain tinge of sadness about her,
because they don't have children.
ADAM
(happy to see her)
She's ready.
BARBARA
(eyeing the model)
It looks great.
ADAM
(nodding)
Thanks.
She pushes a wrapped present across the table.
BARBARA
Happy vacation, honey!
Adam smiles and gives her a present he's hidden under
the table. He opens his present. A can of furniture
oil.
ADAM
Manchurian Tung oil?
(playfully grabs
Barbara and kisses
her)
Where did you get it?
BARBARA
Helen got it for me in Oslo.
There's enough to refinish the
gateleg table and the cherry
wardrobe...
Adam hands Barbara a carefully-wrapped bundle -- she
unwraps her gift... rolls of very expensive floral
wallpaper. She cradles it in her arms like gold leaf.
BARBARA
Oh, Adam... it's beautiful.
Adam nods, and embraces her.
ADAM
Enough to do the guest room...
BARBARA
(cooing)
I'm so glad we're spending our
vacation at home...
(with a sudden resolve)
... I'm going to get started right
now!
ADAM
(pulling her back)
Whoa!... hold on...
Barbara calms down, returning to Adam's embrace... as:
PHONE RINGS -- They freeze, then grin.
ADAM & BARBARA
(unison)
No one's home!
HONK HONK outside. They look at each other horrified.
Peer out the window.
BARBARA
Oh no.
ADAM
(pointing at her)
It's your turn, darling.
She shakes her head with resignation and goes downstairs.
KNOCKING on door from below.
INT. STAIRCASE AND KITCHEN - DAY
CAMERA FOLLOWS Adam and Barbara downstairs. We see the
rambling, old fashioned quality to the house.
Clean, sentimental, warm and floral. Some rooms in
progress. They continue down the main staircase past
photos of themselves, old photos of the early days of
Winter River, pictures and mementos of three
generations in hardware. Barbara goes to the kitchen
and Adam continues down to the basement.
HER POV - A WOMAN
JANE BUTTERFIELD -- tall, gawky and aggressive peeks in
the kitchen door. She's divorced three husbands and
buried another for good measure. She's ruthless but is
weirdly, seamlessly pleasant. She waves a legal sized
paper at them, starts to come inside.
INT./EXT. KITCHEN DOOR
Barbara makes dash for it and holds it just as Jane gets
a foot in. Jane smiles wildly.
JANE
Hi, Barb! I'm glad I caught you.
I heard you were on vacation!
BARBARA
That's right, Jane. Complete
vacation.
JANE
Honey -- today I am three hundred
fifty thousand dollars!
BARBARA
No! Jane, it is 6:45 in the
morning!
JANE
Look at me, think of me as cash!
This offer is really real! From a
rich man in New York City who only
saw a photograph!
(rattles on)
My buyer has just made a killing
in condos in Manhattan, but he's
got a little stress problem...
(taps her head)
... so -- he wants to bring the
wife and kid for the old peace and
quiet.
BARBARA
That's what we're looking for,
too.
JANE
Barbara Maitland, sweetie, just
listen now. This house is too
big. It really ought to be for a
couple with a family.
That hurts Barbara a little. She looks at Jane.
JANE
(continuing)
Oh, honey... I didn't mean
anything... it's just too big for
you.
Jane compulsively affixes her business card, face inside.
in the windowpane.
BARBARA
(shutting door)
'Bye, Jane, see you in a few
weeks.
ADAM
is humming happily, looking for paint brushes in the
ground floor storeroom. He spies a cassette deck and
looks through a stack of cassettes and plays one. It
is an old INKSPOTS LOVE SONG.
INT. GUEST ROOM - DAY
Barbara is starting to paper the walls already. She
frowns at the MUSIC. Goes to the door.
BARBARA
Oh, honey. You said no Inkspots
on this vacation!
It CLICKS OFF. She goes back into the room.
INT. STOREROOM - DAY
Adam puts away the tape but keeps humming the song. He
opens the shutters on a small window. ON WINDOW...
JANE
(her huge face
grinning at him)
Boo!
He jumps back, frightened.
ADAM
No, Jane.
Adam closes the shutters as Jane affixes yet another
card to the window. He continues his search for a
brush.
JANE
exits jauntily, flapping her contract down the lawn.
INT. MAITLAND HOUSE - DAY
Adam continues rummaging for a brush. Can't find it.
ADAM
(calling to distant
Barbara)
Honey, come with me down to the
store?
BARBARA (O.S.)
What for?
ADAM
I need a good brush for this Tung
oil and I want to pick up a piece
of the model. Let's go early
before anyone sees us.
Barbara has already papered a few rolls in the guest
room.
BARBARA
Okay, but let's hurry back. You
just run in okay?
EXT. THE HOUSE - DAY
The Victorian house from the model "in the flesh."
Adam stands by the station wagon.
On the bumper of the car is a sticker reading:
WARNING: I BRAKE FOR ANIMALS.
Barbara gets in driver's side. They drive off.
INT. THE CAR - DAY
Adam dusts the inside of the dashboard. Clean Clean.
BARBARA
(preoccupied)
Jane said we should sell the house
to someone with a family.
ADAM
Ah, the ever-tactful Jane.
Puts his hand on her shoulder.
EXT. THE RIVER AND BRIDGE AND HILL - DAY
We see the car coming down the hill toward the bridge.
ADAM (V.O.)
We should be flattered that she
wants to sell our house.
BARBARA (V.O.)
I know... I just wish she'd leave
us alone.
ADAM (V.O.)
Let's not think about it. We'll
have a nice romantic, quiet,
vacation. Here comes the bridge
chorus.
Car reaches the rickety covered bridge. Car shakes,
bobbing up and down on every plank.
ON Barbara and Adam TIGHT -- (they've done this routine
before). They sing an old Johnny Mathis song. With a
lot of vibrato.
TOGETHER
Chances are... When I wear a
foolish grin...
They laugh.
EXT. DOWNTOWN WINTER RIVER - DAY
Just like the model, but real. And populated.
CAMERA PAUSES ON a gorgeous storefront with a brass
lion out front. Sign above doors says --
BOZMAN BUILDING 1835
An old man polishes the lion as Maitlands drive by and
wave.
BARBARA (V.O.)
Wave at the lion.
ADAM (V.O.)
Don't forget the balls, Ernie.
BARBARA (V.O.)
(embarrassed)
Adam!
Ernie looks around to see no one's looking and polishes
the balls of the lion.
CAMERA SPIES A JAUNTY DOG
like Benji, peeing on the opposite corner of the lion.
Maitlands drive by store with sign:
JANE BUTTERFIELD
ANTIQUES
REAL ESTATE
TRAVEL
INT. ANTIQUE STORE REAL ESTATE OFFICE TRAVEL AGENCY -
DAY
The store is bursting with antiques of all sorts,
travel brochures, photographs of houses for sale, and a
serve-yourself Xerox machine. LITTLE JANE, her eight-
year-old daughter is drudgingly making copies.
Jane, phone in hand, rushes to the window to watch
Maitlands drive by. Almost popping the cord when it
reaches its end. She's waiting for the other party to
pick up.
JANE
Y... ello. Mrs. Deetz? Well the
condition is what we country folk
call, fixin'... Yes, I think they
are fixin' to accept another
offer. Well maybe if you offer
390,000 they'll take it.
EXT. MAITLAND HARDWARE - DAY
Adam sprints up the steps of his lovely hardware store.
OLD BILL, a slightly-addled ancient barber, is napping
in a chair in front of his shop, next door to Adam's.
Adam fumbles with the lock, not interested in conver-
sation. He drops his keys, waking Old Bill.
OLD BILL
'Morning, Adam. You need a
haircut before your vacation?
ADAM
No thanks, Bill.
OLD BILL
How's the model coming?
ADAM
Good, Bill -- Good.
Bill turns around and continues prattling even though
Adam has entered. Bill prattles throughout.
OLD BILL
Y'know, I was thinkin'... you said
Bozman built the foundation in
1835 but y'know his grandson came
in here last week and said he
found a bottle with an 1836 stamp
in it plastered in the foundation.
(suddenly disgusted
at the memory)
He's got hair down to his
goddamned shoulders...
INT. MAITLAND HARDWARE
Adam pulls down a few good paintbrushes and carefully
picks up a small model of the Bozman building. He
walks out. Old Bill continues unabated.
OLD BILL
He said "Just give me a trim..." I
took a scissors to him so fast...
would've skimmed him clean if he
hadn't...
Adam strides by quickly to the car.
ADAM
See you, Bill.
OLD BILL
Right.
EXT. MAITLAND'S CAR - DAY
The Maitlands drive their car out of town.
ON JANE
EXT. CAR AND BRIDGE - DAY
Car approaches.
INT. CAR - DAY
Five brushes sit on the seat next to Adam. He cradles
small replica of the Bozman building, complete with
brass lion.
BARBARA
It's a beauty.
ADAM
Yeah it turned out okay. We
applied for a historical plaque
for it. That'll be the third one
on Main Street.
BARBARA
(jokingly)
With all these historical
landmarks in town, where are they
going to put the condominiums?
ADAM
(grinning)
Slow down there, honey... I don't
want the vibration to weaken the
model.
BARBARA
(nervous)
Oh... I'm sorry...
Barbara starts to apply the brakes.
Just before the bridge the dog waddles out in the road.
Stops to pee. Barbara swerves. As the car hits the
rickety bridge, the speed is just a bit too much.
Boards RATTLE and loosen, the car skews and catches in
an open slot, careens to the right, then the left and
the bridge.
INT. CAR - DAY
A piling has smashed through the window on the pas-
senger side, crushing the upper part of Barbara's
arm. She is wailing in pain and fright.
Adam tries to help Barbara. He tries to get out of the
car. None of this succeeds.
EXT. BRIDGE AND RIVER - DAY
The dog finishes, looks over at the car, walks across
the bridge and steps on the one board which holds the
car aloft.
The car rocks back and forth for a moment, and then
slides forward toward the water.
EXT. CAR AND BRIDGE
The car plunges into the rushing water. It floats
for a moment, and then sinks like a stone.
FADE TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
INT. BARBARA AND ADAM'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Quiet, still, expectant. There is a fire laid in the
hearth. Suddenly and for no apparent reason it ignites
and burns with a furious cheerfulness.
Barbara and Adam enter, dazed, wet, and bedraggled.
BARBARA
Something like this always happens
when we try to go on vacation.
Always.
Adam leads her toward the fire.
ADAM
You'll feel better when you're
dry.
He holds out his hands to be warmed. Barbara comes up
beside him. All this time she's been holding her
injured arm with the other hand.
BARBARA
This fire wasn't burning when we
left the house.
ADAM
How's your arm?
BARBARA
I'm not sure. It feels... frozen.
She holds her arms out to warm them. One hand catches
on fire.
BARBARA'S LEFT ARM
They stare at it dumbfoundedly before Adam regains his
senses and snatches it out of the fire. Two of the
fingers are burning like candles, and Barbara indus-
triously blows them out.
BARBARA
Oh, Adam.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM: A FEW MINUTES LATER - DAY
They are sitting on the couch together. Barbara is
looking away slightly -- as one does when a doctor is
drawing blood -- while Adam looks at her fingers. He
frowns.
He looks at his skin. It is pale. He looks at
Barbara.
ADAM
You'd better sit down, hon.
BARBARA
I am sitting.
ADAM
I'll tell you what, Barbara. I
don't think we survived that
crash.
BARBARA
(pause)
Oh, Adam. We're home. In our own
house. Nonsense. I'll make some
coffee. You get some more
firewood.
Adam gets up, a little absently, she follows him as he
wanders to the front door. He peers out.
ADAM
Let's take things extra slow. Do
you remember how we got back up
here?
Barbara tests her hand, clenches and unclenches her
fist.
BARBARA
I'm fine. My arm works fine.
Adam, exploring, opens the door, steps out on the front
porch.
EXT. FRONT PORCH - TWILIGHT
Adam's face is painted with color of sunset. He stands
atop the steps leading down to the front yard. Barbara
stands just inside the open threshold, looking out
worriedly.
BARBARA
(quiet sarcasm)
The end of a perfect day.
Adam starts to step down to the yard.
ADAM
Honey, I'm gonna go down to the
bridge and retrace our steps.
He steps off the last step into the yard and promptly
disappears.
BARBARA
Adam!
EXT. THE GREAT VOID
Adam is nowhere. There's no ground, no sky, nothing to
stand on or hold onto or give boundaries or distance.
Just vast nothing. Not white and not colored either.
NOISE OF A CLOCK TICKING.
Adam looks about surprised, doesn't like what he
doesn't see. He turns around to head back up the
steps. There are no steps.
ADAM
Barbara?
His VOICE ECHOES STRANGELY. He runs off a little in
the distance, and calls again from over there.
ADAM
(continuing; quietly)
Where are you?
He goes even farther away.
IN THE FOREGROUND
an enormous geared wheel -- the size of a man -- rolls
by, tearing up the unseamed ground. Something pours up
out of the tear -- ooze or stuffing.
Adam runs forward and stares after the wheel, which is
now out of sight.
TWO SMALLER GEARS
looking very much like components of a giant watch --
spin along behind him. One of them veers suddenly
toward him, and though Adam jumps out of the way, the
gear snags his trouser leg and shreds it. LOUD
TICKING.
A PERFECTLY ENORMOUS GEAR
comes barreling toward him. Adam leaps out of its
way. The gear turns, fish-tailing, kicking up ooze and
stuffing.
Adam flings himself suddenly to the right, but trips
into the path of the gear. As he's about to be
crushed, he's suddenly jerked up to safety.
EXT. FRONT PORCH - NIGHT
It's Barbara who's grabbed him, and quite evidently
saved his life -- not life, perhaps -- but existence.
He's shaken, breathless.
Barbara stares at him, as if wondering what he's just
been through.
ADAM
(weakly)
You saved my -- uh -- life... or
whatever...
BARBARA
Two hours.
ADAM
What?
BARBARA
That's how long you were gone.
ADAM
(pondering that)
... Hmmm?
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Barbara leads Adam into the house.
ADAM
Anything happen while I was away?
BARBARA
Yes, it did. Yes, it did. I made
a couple of small discoveries.
BARBARA
stands by the mirror over the hearth mantle. On the
mantle is Barbara's prize collection of porcelain
horses. Adam comes to stand beside her. They look
into the mirror, and there is no reflection of them.
Barbara picks up one of the horses, and trots it through
the air. The horse is imaged in the mirror.
BARBARA
(continuing)
There's that, and there's this.
She picks up an ancient, leather-bound book. It's
yellow and worn, about the size of the Boy Scout
manual.
CLOSEUP: Its title is HANDBOOK FOR THE RECENTLY
DECEASED.
ADAM
(reading)
Handbook for the recently
diseased.
BARBARA
Deceased. I don't know where it
came from. Look at the publisher.
ADAM
(he does and reads)
Handbook for the Recently Deceased
Press.
BARBARA
(finally admit-
ting it)
I don't think we survived the
crash.
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Adam is already in bed, reading from the handbook.
Barbara is getting ready for bed -- going through a
ritual of sorts that they practiced every night of
their married lives.
BARBARA
I don't like situations like this.
I hate it when I'm not in control.
So just tell me the basics.
ADAM
This book isn't arranged that
way. What do you want to know?
BARBARA
There are a thousand things... Why
did you disappear when you walked
off the front porch? Is this a
punishment? Are we halfway to
heaven or are we halfway to hell?
And how long is this going to
last?
ADAM
I don't see anything about
"Rewards and Punishments" or
"Heaven and Hell."
(frustrated)
This book reads like stereo
instructions! Listen to this...
'Geographical and Temporal
Perimeters... Functional
perimeters vary from manifestation
to manifestation." This is going
to take some time.
BARBARA
paces, she trips on her wallpaper rolls. Kicks them.
BARBARA
I knew I'd never finish the guest
room. Adam, we just can't stay in
here forever!
They look at each other, the question hangs in the air.
Can't they?
Adam stands and walks to the window.
ADAM
(thoughtfully)
Maybe we should set up a normal
routine.
She looks at him like he's nuts.
ADAM
(continuing)
I mean, let's try to nail down
something in our lives. A regular
schedule. We can keep track of
time and go on with our projects
up here in the attic.
She shakes her head, exasperated. Flops down on the
bed.
BARBARA
Oh, God, maybe this is all just a
bad dream.
ON ADAM - TIGHT - a somber look comes across his face.
ADAM
I'm afraid not, honey.
Barbara looks up at him, questioningly.
BARBARA
Why? What's wrong? Adam?
She stands and joins him at the window.
THEIR POV THROUGH THE WINDOW
In the distance we see an automobile funeral procession
threading its way toward the nearby cemetery. Head-
lights are on. We recognize Jane's car in the line.
REVERSE ON BARBARA AND ADAM
somber faces.
TIGHTER ON PROCESSION
It arrives at the gravesite. We see some familiar
faces, Ernie, and Old Bill the Barber. Jane and little
Jane watch as two identical coffins are carried to-
gether, to two open graves.
ON BARBARA AND ADAM
She drops her head sadly on his shoulder. He leans his
face slightly into hers.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN:
INT. ATTIC - DAY
Adam is setting up a small monument in the model town
cemetery. It reads: ADAM AND BARBARA MAITLAND/UNITED
IN LIFE/UNDIVIDED IN DEATH.
ADAM
I wish I had a better view of the
cemetery from up here. I don't
know which area is the best
placement for us.
Barbara, trying to clean, lets out a frustrated YELP!
She paces.
ADAM
(continuing)
Cabin fever, han?
BARBARA
I can't clean anything. The
vacuum is out in the garage. I
can't leave the house. Why don't
they tell us something? Where are
all the other dead people in the
world? Why is it just you and me?
ADAM
Maybe this is heaven.
BARBARA
(looking at the
dusty walls)
In heaven there wouldn't be dust
on the wallpaper.
ADAM
Hon... I didn't want to die, but
really, this is fine with me.
Look, we never have to wash dishes
again.
BARBARA
Dishes? We haven't eaten in three
weeks! Adam, I'm not like you. I
really need to be around people,
get out to the church and go
grocery shopping.
ADAM
But I'm not hungry, are you?
Barbara shakes her head and picks up the Handbook and
pages through it desperately.
BARBARA
I keep having this feeling that
something has got to happen.
CAR DOOR SLAMS outside. Adam and Barbara look at one
another. Run to window.
EXT. MAITLAND HOUSE - DAY
Jane Butterfield is staring up at the old house.
INT. ATTIC - DAY
Adam, from his angle, can just barely see her.
ADAM
God, it's Jane.
BARBARA
What's she doing here?
ADAM
I don't know.
(shouting)
Jane, Jane, up here!
EXT. MAITLAND HOUSE - DAY
Unhearing, Jane heads for car. SOUND OF WIND UP.
Blows her dress. Little Jane straggles along with her
like an apprentice.
INT. ATTIC - DAY
Barbara watches Adam, and shakes her head. He stops.
BARBARA
She can't see you, right?
Adam nods.
BARBARA
(continuing)
In the book, Rule Number Two: the
living usually won't see the dead.
ADAM
Won't? Or can't?
BARBARA
Just says "won't." Wait a minute.
Here it says "the living are
arrogant... they think they'll
never die, so they refuse to see
the dead."
ADAM
Arrogant. That's Jane all right...
Barbara sighs and nods.
BARBARA
At least we won't have to worry
about her.
Adam smiles and goes to his model.
EXT. MAITLAND HOUSE - DAY
Jane drives away. CAMERA HINGES to see a FOR SALE
sign. Across it -- another smaller banner. It reads:
SOLD!
CUT TO:
INT. MASTER BEDROOM - MORNING
The Maitlands are asleep. CAMERA EXPLORES the room a
bit. It is getting slightly tatty. Adam rolls over,
pulling the covers off Barbara. We see:
ON BARBARA -- she is hovering off the side of the bed.
An OMINOUS RUMBLE -- like a 4.0 earthquake shakes
the house. GLASS RATTLES, the ceramic horses on the
mantelpiece jump around. Barbara falls to the floor.
They look at one another with horror. They leap up and
run downstairs.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
The RUMBLE BUILDS TO A CLIMAX, there is a LOUD METALLIC
SQUEAL, and then a CRASH... just as Barbara and Adam
arrive.
THE FRONT DOOR
smashes open revealing a moving van ramp.
A TEN-FOOT ELECTRIC-BLUE ITALIAN LEATHER COUCH
slides smoothly down the ramp. On the couch sits DELIA
DEETZ.
The couch CRASHES into the base of the staircase,
smashing the newel post and several of the balusters.
Barbara cringes. One of the balusters falls at Delia's
side. She grasps it like a scepter.
Two MOVING MEN rush down the ramp.
MOVING MAN #1
Sorry about that, Mrs. Deetz.
DELIA
Don't worry. It was going anyway.
Delia is relentlessly New York, relentlessly fashion-
able, relentlessly thin -- totally self assured.
She is also a woman with a mission -- to gut Barbara
and Adam's house and remake it in her own very upscale
image.
Delia's gaze is on the living room, but she looks
through Adam and Barbara as if they weren't even there
(which to her eyes they're not).
Still holding the baluster, Delia gets up off the couch
and moves into the living room, surveying it with an
odd mixture of ambition, and resolution.
BEHIND HER
the two Moving Men bring in a matching blue leather
armchair. In the armchair sits LYDIA DEETZ.
Lydia, age 14, is a pretty girl, but wan, pale and
overly-dramatic, dressed as she is in her favorite
color, black. She's a combination of a little death
rocker and an 80's version of Edward Gorey's little
girls.
She has a couple of expensive cameras around her neck
-- and is already taking photographs of the moving
men. Lydia is cool, Lydia is sullen, Lydia is her
father's daughter by his first marriage. Lydia is
usually about half-pissed off. But underneath... we
like her a lot.
The Moving Men still hold up the chair, waiting for
Delia to decide where she wants it.
DELIA
(continuing)
Jesus. Who lived here? The
Waltons?
TIGHT ON Lydia -- calmly surveys the house.
Delia signals wearily that the Moving Men can put the
chair down anywhere.
DELIA
(continuing)
Get all this other crap out of
here.
Lydia hops down out of the chair, and comes farther
into the living room.
DELIA
(continuing)
Where is your father?... probably
in the kitchen.
That's the cue for CHARLES DEETZ, who comes in through
the swinging door, and across the dining room... a ner-
vous but basically pleasant man, CHARLES DEETZ is
intent on attacking rest and relaxation with the same
vengeance that earned him millions in real estate.
CHARLES
The noise in that kitchen. Noisy
refrigerator, noisy faucets...
We'll have to replace it all. I
want no humming in the house.
LYDIA
exploring on her own, gazes around the living room with
growing pleasure, she backs up for a good angle to
photograph.
CAMERA HINGES -- She is standing with her back right up
to Barbara -- who is horrified at this creature.
Charles enters.
CHARLES
(to Lydia)
What do you think, honey?
LYDIA
Delia hates it.
Lydia gazes at a dusty maze of spider webs.
LYDIA
(continuing)
I could live here.
A movement makes Lydia turn around and scream. It is
Delia. Not Barbara.
DELIA
Settle down, Lydia. I wonder
where we are going to get
counseling for you out here.
A VIOLENT FALSETTO SCREAM turns the Deetz family's
attention to the front windows.
OTHO (O.S.)
Help! Oh help!
OTHO'S MASSIVE BODY
Wedged in the window frame. The short, stubby legs,
dressed in the world's largest pair of Georgia Armani
slacks, protrude into the living room, waving fran-
tically. Expensive Italian loafers are kicked off the
feet, revealing a pair of expensive patterned socks.
By their feet shall ye know them.
DELIA
It's Otho!
CHARLES
Otho, why didn't you just come in
the door?
Otho's voice comes as if from a great distance.
OTHO (O.S.)
It's bad luck. And I believe
hugely in luck.
DELIA
Hold your breath and we'll pull.
Delia turns to Charles and Lydia for help -- doesn't
get it -- and at last pulls Otho into the living room
single-handedly.
All this while the Moving Men are variously carting out
the handsome old furniture and bringing in the hideous
new furniture.
Otho is Robert Morley at his most obscenely fat and
faggoty. But he's not all fat and fun -- this customer
carries nasty emotional weight as well.
OTHO
holds onto the curtains for support as he is pulled
through the window. And when he is at last all the way
through, and upright on his feet, he suddenly gives a
tremendous yank. The whole drapery apparatus,
including valences, crashes to the floor.
OTHO
That was the single most
unattractive window treatment I
have ever seen in the entire of my
existence.
DELIA
(starry eyed)
I'm so glad you could leave the
city to consult me, Otho.
Otho is looking around the room with an eye of quiet
horror.
OTHO
Yes, of course you are. Well,
Otho had an intuition. Call it a
hunch -- that it was going to be a
fabled monstrosity of a house.
And it certainly is. Charles,
you're lucky the yuppies are
buying condos, so you can afford
what I'm going to have to do to
this place. We are talking from
the ground ups'ville!
CHARLES
That's fine, Otho. Just keep me
out of it. I am here to relax and
clip coupons. And goddamnit, I
mean to do it.
He exits to find solace in a quiet corner of his house.
During this speech, Otho has been surreptitiously pos-
ing for Lydia's camera. She clicks the shutter.
OTHO
(ignoring her)
Is the rest of the house as bad as
this?
DELIA
The rest of the house is probably
worse. When can you and I get
started?
OTHO
No time like the present, as my
wicked stepmother used to say.
Out of the pockets of his size 56 Georgia Armani
jacket, Otho takes two cans of spray paint -- the kind
the graffiti artists use -- and shakes them as if they
were castanets. They certainly sound like it.
OTHO
Delia, let's get this show on the
road.
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY
At one end, near the stairs leading up to the attic,
Barbara and Adam are slumped against opposite walls.
BARBARA
Adam, we are in hell. I hate
these people.
ADAM
They make Jane look good.
BARBARA
Is this a punishment for something
we did in life? What can we do?
ADAM
(determined)
We're not completely helpless.
I've been reading the book.
There's a word for people in our
predicament, honey.
Barbara looks at him.
BARBARA
(continuing)
Ghosts!
Barbara is shocked at the reality.
Otho and Delia come up the stairs at the end of the
hallway.
OTHO
We're dealing with negative
entertainment potential here. I
mean, there's absolutely no organic
walking flow-through.
Otho looks down the hallway. It's empty. Adam and
Barbara are no longer there.
DELIA
What's wrong?
OTHO
I thought I saw something.
DeLia turns and spray-paints on the wall -- in luminous
orange -- the word MAUVE.
DELIA
Okay?
OTHO
(screaming with delight)
You read my mind! I love clients
who can read my mind. I don't
think people realize how strong a
connection there is between
interior design and the
supernatural.
DELIA
(fawning)
I know... I read your book, The
Haunted Tapestries of the Waldorf.
OTHO
Gooood!
Delia opens the door and they step inside another room.
DELIA
This will be Lydia's room.
INT. LYDIA'S ROOM - DAY
It's not Lydia's room yet, of course, because it still
has the Maitlands' furniture in it. Barbara had partly
wallpapered it before the accident. Her tools are still
there.
DELIA
What do you think?
OTHO
Viridian?
DELIA
Viridian? What is...?
Otho spray-paints the word VIRIDIAN on the wall -- plus
the word BLUE GREEN -- and Cr2 03, right over a picture
of Adam and Barbara as kids.
OTHO
Blue-green! Hydrated chromic
oxide! Remember I'm schooled in
chemistry. I was a hair analyst!
Briefly. Interior design is a
science, Delia! Think of me as
Doctor Otho.
(looking at wall)
And this patient is truly sick!
DELIA
Of course, her favorite color!
How beautiful!
Delia smiles. Behind Delia and Otho, the room's closet
door swings slowly open with and ominous CREAK.
DELIA AND OTHO
turn that way, with a suggestion of dread. Inside the
closet, Barbara's corpse is suspended from the ceiling
by a belt. The corpse twists with a CREAK, and Barbara
grins ghostly -- and slowly tears off her face, leaving
nothing but muscle and bone beneath. Her eyeballs
dangle on her cheeks.
Delia and Otho stare aghast.
DELIA
Oh my God!
OTHO
We just have to pray that the
other closets are bigger than this
one.
He walks over. Looks inside.
OTHO
(continuing)
Were these people dwarfes? (sic)
(spies something)
Oooooo!... Look!
He finds, neatly hung in plastic, the Maitlands'
wedding outfits. Totally captivated by this powerful
image, he peers through the plastic at them. Holding
each up to Delia. Barbara watches wide-eyed at them.
OTHO
(continuing)
Ozzie...
(holding up
her dress)
... and... Harriet! What happened
to these people?
Delia slams the door in Barbara's contorted face.
DELIA
They died.
INT. HOUSE - SAME TIME
Delia and Otho come out of Lydia's bedroom and go
through the bathroom. Disgusted, they continue on to
the study.
OTHO
reaches out and turns the knob. The door swings omi-
nously open on Charles' study. This had been Adam's
reading and birdwatching study. Bird posters on the
wall, books everywhere. Straight out of Better Homes
and Gardens 1963.
OTHO
Ooo. Deliver me from L.L. Bean!
I found IN. AND EXT., O.S, Cut To, and FADE IN, FADE TO BLACK
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